29 Ways NOT To Submit To An Agent by Carole Blake

This post originally appeared on Lucy Hay's Bang2Write blog and continues to be once of her most visited pages! Here's what Lucy says: 

Many thanks to Carole Blake from the Blake Friedmann Literary Agency for providing a VERY comprehensive list on how NOT to submit to an agent. This is a fab list and  I have actually had a number 27 myself!! Maybe it was the same lady? 

1. No gimmicks. Don’t send food, flowers – or anything else. Food goes straight into the bin … just in case. I’ve read lots of crime fiction.

I once received a large parcel that weighed almost nothing. Inside was a rubbish bin and a letter saying the writer assumed the submission would end up there so was sending me one to speed up the process. The partial for a crime novel that was attached looked rather good. I left the bin, letter & ms on my desk. Next morning our office cleaner had removed the contents and put the rubbish bin neatly next to my desk. There was no way to contact the author despite a story on our website and some tweets … That was the end of that.

2. Your own cover design. They almost always look very amateur. A publisher will produce a professional design that takes account of the current market. Even thinking that they might take your design marks you out as amateur.

3. Any kind of jokey letter making fun of the publishing business – I bet this won’t get read etc. In the cold morning light of a busy office – not funny. See no 1.

4. Don’t trash other authors – they might be my clients

5. Don’t send a first draft. Let it sit for some weeks after finishing. Then read & revise. Better to do that before you get a rejection.

6. Don’t keep sending further corrected versions. Revise first & let it sit before submitting.

7. Don’t send again once rejected, unless I’ve invited you to.

8. Don’t send in overly elaborate packaging. I am thinking of a full manuscript, in a lever arch file (duh!) wrapped first in plastic film, then in 2 layers of corrugated cardboard, then brown paper sellotaped around the ENTIRE package. Then in more brown paper. By the time my office had fought our way in to it I hated it already. See no 24.

9. Don’t mark it “private & confidential”. It’s not: it’s a business transaction. I don’t want to come back from a trip abroad to find an unopened unsolicited manuscript on my desk.

10. Don’t make spelling mistakes in the covering email or letter. Or the ms. And don’t rely on spellchecker: read it all the way through several times. See 5 and 6 above.

11. Don’t write the covering letter or email in the voice of one of your characters. I recently received a letter written in the voice of a gorilla. It’s annoying.

12.Don’t send 3 mss with one submission, all in different genres – it shows you’re not thinking about the market and how it works.

13. Don’t have a silly email address. I recently had a submission from someone whose email address was ‘blahblah’. And don’t share an email address with your spouse. This is business correspondence: you need to look professional. Your own email address costs nothing.

14. Don’t say you’re sending your ‘fiction novel’. If you don’t know how to use language, you shouldn’t be writing a book.

15. Don’t write to me abusively after I’ve rejected your ms. Publishing is a small world. And bad manners won’t make me want to work with you. See attached, from an author complaining that we won’t take his work which is in a genre our website makes it clear we don’t work with.

16. Don’t say you’ve read my book from cover to cover and then proceed to offer me a manuscript in a genre I’ve clearly stated I don’t work with.

17. Don’t send your ms in a fancy font, difficult to read. Keep it simple.

18. Don’t email with a peculiar colour background. Keep it simple.

19. Don’t openly email 50 agents at once (I’ve had them!), with all the email addresses shown. At least try to pretend you’ve selected me because you think we would make a perfect team.

20. Don’t tell me you’ve been recommended by a friend of mine and then mention someone I’ve never heard of.

21. Don’t compare your own writing to literary greats: it will only provoke me to disagree. Modesty is more attractive, and allows me to form my own opinion.

22. Don’t plead for individual feedback once I’ve rejected your ms. I received 1000s of submissions a year: there just isn’t time. And I do have to spend some time working for the authors I do actually represent.

23. Don’t tell me your family and friends love your ms. They love you: they are biased.

24. Don’t send me a paper ms. Not any more. See no 25.

25. This perhaps ought to be No 1: do NOT submit to me until you have checked out our agency website and read the submission guidelines. Do NOT. Just do NOT. It’s in your own interest.

26. Do NOT pitch your novel to me at breakfast during a writers festival. If I have to explain why, you may not have read the previous 25 points properly

27. Do NOT slip your synopsis under the door of the ladies loo I am occupying. It happened. Once. I suspect that woman will never do it again.

28. If we are chatting at a cocktail party and you have pitched me your novel, and I say, ‘I can’t take in verbal pitches, I need to read storylines, but please do send it to me.’ do not – under any circumstances – tell me the story all over again. And then do the same thing at the next 3 parties we both attend. This happened to me. I will never knowingly occupy the same room as that novelist ever again.

29. Do NOT submit to me on Facebook or Twitter. Chat, yes. Become friends perhaps: but social media is social. It’s not for stalking or submitting. I block people for doing that.

Why 29? Because if I don’t stop there I might go on forever, instancing all the time-wasting submissions I’ve seen over the years. But – you know what? I still get a tingle when I open new submissions … there is sometimes gold in those emailed submissions mountains!

Agents Don't...

Partly inspired by a twist on Richard Charkin's recent talk and his 'Don'ts for Publishers', we've turned this on its head and instead put together a list of ‘Agents Don't…’, intended to debunk some common myths about agents, or help explain how and why we agent!

 Agents Don't…

1. Publish your books. We seek a publisher for your book, and ensure your work is in the hands of a great editor and their team of marketers, publicists, digital experts and sales people.

2. Earn anything until you do. We work on a commission basis, so we only get paid when our authors do! This ensures that it's in everyone's best interests to take a book that's in the most appealing shape possible, to publishers, and why we might spend a lot of time honing your manuscripts and proposals before they go out on submission to editors.

3. Know the tastes of other agents. Strange to admit, but other agents are either our friends, our competition or both! We might know them socially, and know a little of their list of authors, but when it comes down to it representing a book is a personal business and we don't always know what floats another agent's boat. So that’s why we are very rarely able to recommend other agents if we turn your book down. Agency websites are most helpful; go and look at an agent's list and their bio, for the best information on what they're looking for.

4. Have any time to read during office hours. It's a common fallacy that we're to be found at our desks, feet propped on stacks of manuscripts, thumbing through our authors' newest deliveries and reading at our leisure. I WISH. Sadly there is no time to read during the day; we're busy negotiating deals and the resulting contracts, chasing payments and checking royalty statements, forwarding requests for our authors' appearances at festivals and events, meeting editors and listening to what they're looking for, liaising with publicity and marketing teams, catching up with colleagues on sending out our books for translation and media sales, and pursuing potential new authors. Very occasionally we might be able to squeeze some editing in on a Friday afternoon, but usually all reading (and editing) is done outside work hours.

5. Have the time to reply to submissions with detailed feedback. Unfortunately we simply don't have enough hours in the day to feedback our thoughts on your three chapters or proposal. And, if we want to be businesslike about it, it’s not in our interests to spend time editing a book we’re not going to work with! However, if we think a book is good enough to consider despite its flaws, or that it could be very interesting to us after a good edit, we will always say so. Equally, if the writer has talent but this book is not for us, we’ll say so.  And no book comes to us in perfect shape!

6. Appreciate rude or persistent writers, whether that's someone calling up the agency reception at regular and increasingly agitated intervals, or barging in on a conversation at a Fair or Festival. We know you're anxious to hear from us and, trust us, if you've a great book or idea then we will definitely be in touch. However, if you've a great book but have been rude to our receptionist or in chasing emails, we won't want to work with you. Polite and professional is the best way for us both to be!

7. Choose brand over book. It has to begin with a great novel or book idea, not just with one hundred million followers on Twitter (however helpful that might be further down the line!). Writers seem to worry a lot these days about their ‘profile’, and it can’t be denied that this is a concern to publishers sometimes too. However, we all need to be convinced that there’s a good, publishable book in whoever we represent (we would always hope that there are many good, publishable books ahead for an author), so the best introduction to us and to a publisher is with a winning idea and strong writing. Not every single author we work with is social-media savvy. I’d personally recommend using Twitter as it’s a LOT of fun and a brilliant place for talking to other writers and sharing writing experiences, as well as a valuable peek into the publishing industry via agents and editors, but it’s not essential.

8. Give up on an author after just one book. As mentioned above, we usually take on an author with a view to them having a long and fruitful career. This is why good writing is important; you could have one great idea, but then… nothing. But if you’re a good writer then we’ll keep chatting with you about potential new book ideas. And if your first book doesn’t sell, we’ll talk to you about pursuing something else. We’re in it for the long term!

9. Chase trends. Because a) we couldn’t possibly predict them (who saw FIFTY SHADES coming? Pardon the unintentional filthy pun) and b) we couldn’t keep up – most books benefit hugely from several months of editing, marketing and publicity, by which time the reading public is going crazy for the next trend: whatever happened to vampires?

 10. Go to lunches and parties just for the free booze. Yes, we know there is the popular belief that we are carousing every night, quaffing cheap party wine and canapes, but actually we go to these kind of social events (much less so now than a decade ago, too) to fit in catching up with editors and their colleagues, hearing about what they’re publishing and using these friendly occasions as an opportunity to pitch our books. And if we can munch a tiny quiche whilst we talk about our fantastic authors, so much the better.

11. Have to read just their own authors’ manuscripts and the submissions pile, but also a wide variety of newly-published books to keep up with competitors and publishing tastes. I try to cram in one non-‘work’ book per weekend, so I’m up-to-date with the books that are appealing to editors and readers alike. Why did everyone rave about The Fault in Our Stars? Best way to find out is to read it…

12. Only make deals.  It’s all about career planning and thinking strategically, looking ahead to try and shape an author’s career in the long term. We’re also sounding boards for our writers, who might come to us with new ideas and their plans for their futures; we maintain a continuous conversation about how we’re going to develop an author and their books, and how best to get them to where they want to be. This is becoming especially important in an ever-evolving publishing landscape, with new platforms, formats and models to explore with our authors.

13. Like telling their clients about rejections.  It hurts the agent too: they’ve taken the client on because they admire and love their work, and have a genuine and unswerving belief that a book should be published. Rejections are rubbish for everyone, and don’t get any easier!

 14. Exist in a vacuum.  We’re all actually human (strange as it might seem) and while reading and editing seeps into every moment of our supposedly spare time, we do occasionally have to have time off, do something else, to maintain perspective. (I don’t think we ever REALLY switch off, but a bit of fresh air can do wonders for new inspiration…) Just as writers are advised to put a book to one side for a little while once they’ve finished the first draft, in order to edit with a bit of new perspective, we all benefit from a break.

15. Sit behind our desks ignoring submissions, feeling superior or polishing our keys to the gates of publishing. (In short: take everything you read about publishing in the newspapers or similar, with a LARGE pinch of salt.) We're desperate to find good books and great authors; we comb our submissions pile as frequently and as thoroughly as we can, and are always happy to meet new writers, whether on Twitter or IRL. It's important for us to be accessible and excitable! And we never get bored of finding that next incredible book. 

By Juliet Pickering

The Elevator Pitch

Juliet Pickering writes on the "quick, snappy" elevator pitch writers should arm themselves with.

Many authors find writing a synopsis a tricky task. ‘How can I condense my 250 page masterpiece into just 250 words?’ they cry, their faces tortured already with the thought of the impossible job ahead…

But I'm asking you to do something even worse here: write an elevator* pitch, or two or three sentences that encapsulate your novel or your book quickly and accessibly. And make it sound irresistible too.

As an agent, I often have to come up with elevator pitches – or a one-minute pitch for each of the books I represent – so that I can excitedly tell an editor about the books I'm offering soon on submission that they might love. And editors and publishing teams must do the same to relay enthusiasm and information about their books to colleagues, readers and booksellers. In the age of Twitter we’re living in a world that has an ever-decreasing attention span, so these quick, snappy pitches are essential.

It might be that I've bumped into the editor at a party somewhere and I've got his/her attention for five minutes. Or that a scout has popped into Blake Friedmann's offices to hear from my colleagues and me about the books we’ll be selling at Frankfurt; we’ll get five minutes each to pitch up to five books whilst the scout furiously scribbles notes. That’s why I need an elevator pitch at my fingertips, and why you should have one too: so you can make the most of grabbed opportunities, and leave a lasting impression with a succinct summary. Next weekend I’ll be leading a workshop about honing your two-minute pitch at the Writers’ Festival in York; the Festival attracts scores of agents, and the networking events create the perfect place for the attending writers to pitch us their books, but there’s nothing worse – for either agent or author – than standing there awkwardly and fumbling through a 20-minute conversation about your novel, at the end of which neither of us is really any the wiser about the story that’s been written.

So how can you condense your entire book into a couple of sentences? Believe me, I do not underestimate the difficulty of this task! I’d suggest starting with a few lines and whittling them down. What happens, who does it happen to, and what is the book’s USP?

For example, look at the first two lines of Orion’s Amazon pitch for GONE GIRL by Gillian Flynn:

Just how well can you ever know the person you love? This is the question that Nick Dunne must ask himself on the morning of his fifth wedding anniversary, when his wife Amy suddenly disappears.

These two lines pitch the book in a very neat way: they pique our curiosity and make us think about our own relationships, hint at dark goings-on, and then deliver the thrill of a missing person, but a missing person who has seemingly been in a happy marriage for five years. We are also introduced to the two main protagonists, Nick and Amy Dunne, without our even realising it. Can you do the same for your book? What would your equivalent pitch be?

Once you’ve written your quick pitch, MEMORISE IT. I'm not joking! Have it ready to trip lightly off the tongue at all times. You never know where you might bump into a friendly agent (stalking is not recommended and neither is pitching on Twitter!); Ben from LitFactor originally got in touch with me to write this piece because he’d read my woeful tale of being pitched at in a jacuzzi. Whilst I wouldn't recommend hanging out in jacuzzis and wrinkling yourself like a prune in order to get your book published, if you’re in the right place at the right time with the right agent, an elevator pitch could be the best thing you've ever written.

Good luck!

*Strictly speaking, for us UK residents, this should be a ‘lift pitch’. Elevators are for ascending Americans.

Originally published on LitFactor, 10 September 2013

Carole Blake on Debut Fiction

Representing debut fiction now is just as exciting as it’s ever been.  Selling it is another matter.  An agent agreeing to take on an unpublished writer always ventures into the unknown. We must always be extraordinarily excited by the work, and sure there is a market for it before taking on a new client,: but even experienced agents are facing setbacks now with work they have taken on confidently. 

When publishers are as risk-averse and cautious as they are now about what they buy, agents have to be equally as careful about who they offer to represent.  The caution will inevitably make its way back along the publishing food chain.  It isn't  impossible to get a first time writer published now, but it probably is more difficult now than at any time in the past decade. Because authors can so easily publish themselves now, they are often less willing to wait for publication by the more traditional route. But self-publishing requires a huge amount of marketing and sales effort on the part of the author, and a thick hide too …

Ask any book business person – agent, publisher, bookseller - what they are looking for and you will hear phrases like ‘a fresh voice’, ‘a new take on a universal theme’, ‘something that surprises me’.  In those shorthand phrases lies hope.  None of us really knows precisely what we are looking for, but we all hope we will find ourselves reading a manuscript that truly excites us.  Whether an agent, or a publisher’s editor, we all want to read a manuscript that glues us to the page, entertains and informs, and leaves us needing to urge a friend to read it too.  And if that involves discovering a new writing talent, the adrenalin surge is quite extraordinary.

When I take on a new client (which is very seldom now), it’s because I can’t help it: I can’t bear to let that manuscript be handled by someone else because I understand it, I know exactly which editor will love it, exactly which publishing house – in a number of markets - will be able to sell it well.  For me it is crucial to believe there will be a multiplicity of markets for the work.

Fiction in particular, can be completely international.  By that I certainly don’t mean the story has to move from one country to another, with the central character spending half the novel travelling.  I mean instead, that storytelling is universal and a novel that engages the reader emotionally can be set in a village on a Norwegian fjord, but if readers empathise with what the characters are experiencing, they will trust the writer and embark on that journey.

My agency isn't daunted if we can’t get a British publisher right away.  We have several authors where we were able to sell them in more than a dozen languages before a British publisher made an offer.

The so-called ‘slushpile’ (horrible phrase) can yield gems.  Just some of the authors I represent who I've found among the unsolicited submissions are Elizabeth Chadwick, Beryl Matthews, Michael Ridpath, Julian Stockwin: a stellar crew.  Some have long careers, in multiple markets: one was 70+ when we began representation and is still publishing, more than a decade later.

So I stick by my comment that representing debut fiction is just as exciting as it has ever been.  Exciting, worrying – it certainly keeps us on the edge of our seats.  Both the storytelling and the business of selling it!

Carole Blake

Joint Managing Director, Blake Friedmann Literary Agency Ltd

Author of:
From Pitch to Publication: Everything you need to know to get your novel published, Pan Macmillan

First published in New Books Magazine, 2009. Revised text © Carole Blake 2014

For New Screenwriters – Making the Right Impression

Our Media Department's Ellen Gallagher talks scripts, submissions & selling yourself short. The first of our weekly blog posts from authors, agents and assistants (serious alliteration skills here). 

A wise woman once said “if I see another submission addressed to ‘Dear Sir’, I’ll scream”. That woman was me, and I’m using the word ‘wise’ with a healthy dose of poetic license.

My point here can be distilled into a fairly simple maxim – a writer ought to remember that their relationship with an agent will be a close working partnership; it’s business, yet not ‘one size fits all’.

So it does get a little exasperating to receive blanket query letters which have clearly been copied and sent to all the other agencies in town, especially when they’re not even addressed to an individual agent by name. If you don’t really care who at each agency sees your work, you’re sending the message that getting an agent (ANY agent) means more to you than approaching a long-term writing career in a smart and businesslike manner. Which immediately puts you at a disadvantage, as agents are looking for serious writers who have thought carefully about their future career.

As a writer, it should matter to you WHO represents your work. Hoping that a scatter approach to querying will cover more ground is understandable up to a point; but in the long-run, it’s a risky strategy. If your script ends up with an agent who recognizes that it’s well-written, and so takes you on as their client, but doesn't 100% know what to do with it, it could end up gathering dust in a drawer instead of gathering interest and advancing your career.

Does the agent have a vested interest in the area(s) of writing in which you want to work? Does their list of existing clients strike a chord with you, do you think they’ll ‘get’ your work and thus be great at ‘bigging it up’ in a room with producers? Will they have strong, established working relationships with those producers in your field and genre, with whom you want to work and who are likely to reciprocate that enthusiasm?

If you do your homework before approaching an agent, you can ultimately save yourself (and us) quite a bit of time. If you approach an agent whose stated areas of expertise are horror and crime with your family comedy, you might not get far and will seem somewhat ill-prepared and naive.

Truly great writing will out – if the agent you sent it to can’t take you on, but your script is awesome, it’s not the end of the road. At Blake Friedmann, we will pass scripts to one another if we feel the writer would be suited to another agent. You needn't send it ‘to whom it may concern’ in fear of choosing the wrong agent to directly address. But do be sure to send it to an agent whom your research suggests is likely to respond well to a script such as yours. Otherwise, it will possibly be rejected outright as unsuitable, or pushed into a towering general reading pile from which it will take some time to be read and noticed.

So let’s say you've got one really, really great script written. You've hammered out that first draft, redrafted it a few times and you feel it’s now the best it can be.

Chances are, this isn't enough - yet.

You probably need to write some more before you’re ready for an agent – if an agent or producer likes your work, one of the first things they’re likely to ask is ‘what else have you got?’ If the answer is ‘nothing’, you risk losing their interest. Give yourself the best chance of retaining their attention by having at least one more really polished project with which to dazzle them. You don’t want to seem like a potential ‘one hit wonder’.

So you've written a few things now, and are feeling confident in their quality. You've made the decision you’re ready to submit, and you have carefully chosen the agents whom you want to approach. There are still a couple of things to bear in mind…

With so many submissions coming in at each agency, it’s understandable that writers want to make themselves stand out from the crowd. This is good, as we’re looking for stand-out writers too. But it’s extremely important that you stand out as a talented and professional writer – ‘zany’ submissions aren't the way to go. Here are just a few examples of what not to do, gleaned across my career so far:

• Don’t start your query letter with DEAR MONEY-GRABBING B*STARDS. Yes, I did actually receive one like this. I think they were going for a memorable effect – they achieved that, but this submission didn't lend itself to being taken seriously.
• Don’t douse your submission with perfume or aftershave. This happened once and set off someone’s allergies, which was a bit annoying.
• Don’t pepper your submission with self-deprecation – I once received one which continually asserted that we ‘probably wouldn't be interested’ – don’t do that to yourself. Be sure that we will be interested, then be quietly confident – that’s the best way to appear professional.

Ways to make yourself stand out include having some credits or performances of your work which you can put on your writing CV. Perhaps you could stage your work somewhere and invite reviewers, pick a positive quote from one of the reviews to include in your query letter.

Maybe try entering some industry-linked competitions to see if you can make the shortlist or even win (such as the BBC Writers’ Room, the Red Planet Prize, the Ustinov Prize and others – a list is kept by ScriptAngel Hayley McKenzie here.

Why not arrange a rehearsed reading of your script – you can find out who the newer agents are at each agency, who might be looking to build their client lists, and invite the ones who might respond well to your work. They might not all be able to come, but it’s worth a try if you can make it happen – the added benefit for you is getting to see your work read aloud, which is hugely helpful in determining what does and doesn't ‘work’ in performance as well as on the page. Do some research – is there a fringe festival or theatre group in your local area through which you could get your work performed?

Anything you can do to get your work out there and generating some hype can only be beneficial, rather than leaving it to sit on your PC’s hard drive (or Mac, let’s face it, you write scripts – there’s a fair chance you’re a Mac person). This shows an agent that you’re proactive and motivated – remember, even when you do have an agent, the onus is still on you to make connections, be creative and excite people with your ideas. If you've got a writer’s CV with a few things on it (a play production, a competition shortlisting, a short film review perhaps), you’re immediately looking like a ‘new writer’ as opposed to an ‘aspiring writer’, which is a step up the ladder.

An agent can open some doors for you, but only if you’re driven enough to push yourself through them. So if you courteously get your work out there in front of audiences, readers and reviewers who can vouch for you, you make yourself seem like the sort of person who isn't going to sit back and wait for success to come to them. Then, you could be making a better impression than those of your peers who don’t make that effort. I’ll repeat that word though – courteously. Do always be polite, as you would in any professional situation. You might be surprised how many people forget that.

So in summary - give your submission the best shot at being appreciated. Draft it, redraft it, make it the best it can possibly be, get something to put on your writer’s CV – then don’t screw up your chances by making an overly hasty, ill-prepared impression upon submitting.

…and we've said it before, but it bears repeating – PLEASE READ AN AGENCY’S SUBMISSIONS GUIDELINES before submitting to them. Most agencies have these guidelines on their website - don’t submit if you don’t fit their criteria, or if they’re not accepting submissions. Your script won’t be read and you’ll seem strangely incapable of reading – a bit of a problem for someone wanting to make a good impression as a writer! For instance, Blake Friedmann are only able to consider submissions from screenwriters with produced screenwriting credits.

Similarly, please don’t telephone to ask how to submit if the guidelines are right there on the website. I’m sure you’ll understand how frustrating that can be for the person answering the phones if they have to repeat information, which is already publicly available, multiple times each day!

Of course, this is NOT a set of orders, instructions or a guarantee that following this advice will get you represented. Often, an agency is simply not taking on new clients at the time you submit, or isn't looking to expand their list in the genre in which you've written. If that’s the case and you do receive the odd rejection despite being super pro-active and talented, don’t despair – keep on searching for that perfect agent pairing. Remember, legend has it that William Golding’s LORD OF THE FLIES was rejected 20 times before it found its home. Rejections are part of the deal, accept them and look elsewhere.

The best of luck with it!